Promise Yourself That Divorce Is Not A Viable Option

Depending on how troubled your marriage is, it’s very possible that you’ve already had friends and family recommend you get a divorce.  Let me suggest to that, except in the case of an affair, you should not seek a divorce (and even then it is usually best to reconcile if possible).  While divorce is extremely common today, it is also extremely costly (and I don’t just mean monetarily).   Despite its prevalence, I have yet to meet a divorced spouse who wasn’t negatively affected by the ordeal (not to mention the often devastating effects divorce has on children).

Consider the following findings:

    * Life expectancies for both divorced men and women are substantially lower than their married counterparts.[1]

    * Speaking about the severe health consequences often associated with divorce, one researcher at Yale University concluded that “being divorced and a nonsmoker is (only) slightly less dangerous than smoking a pack a day and staying married.”[2]

    * After being diagnosed with cancer, a married person is most likely to recover, while a divorced peson is least likely (indicating that the emotional effects of divorce have a long-term and lasting impact on our physical health).[3]

Of course you and I both know that statistics can be manipulated in so many ways.  To really understand the long-term effects of divorce, it’s best to talk with someone who has gone through it (either as a spouse or a child).  Unfortunately, you’ll be hard pressed to find a person who remains unscathed by the ill effects a divorce.

Consider these selected quotations, the first two from adult children of divorce and the third from a recently divorced man:

“I’m 33 years old and my parents divorced when I was 22. I still mourn the loss of the family that was the centerpiece of my childhood. I’m still very angry with my mother for leaving my father although I don’t tell her. We’ve had many fights over the years and my anger seems to stay unresolved. It doesn’t seem worth it to bring it up anymore. But I am mad…and my life has definitely been affected by the divorce. Since the divorce I’ve struggled with depression and anger issues. Before that I always felt that I had a strong foundation from which to live my life. I now feel as though that foundation has been shattered. My husband is wonderful but I used to really worry about him leaving me….abandonment issues from the divorce. I will never divorce. I would never want to put my children through what I have experienced. I want them to be whole and healthy. Not forever heart broken. I would love to see more research on adult children of divorce and I’d gladly participate in any studies.” [4]

“I’m a kid of a divorced family and I can tell you because my parents constant fighting it never ends, and will never end till they are both ten feet under. Money is all that seems to matter, this has been going on for at least 15 years of my life. They were divorced when I was 5, honestly thats the thing about relationships almost always they are in the moment driven, and then when life comes back and your la la dream is gone, people are shocked. Today my Father wont talk me, and would rather have nothing to do with me. I’m 21 and he’s missing out in every way on my life, he could change it all in 5 seconds if he wanted to, but he doesn’t why do you think this is? its all in one not so big word…..Pride……Life and pride hit my parents and thats what broke them up, and thats why they are still fighting. For once I wish people wouldn’t argue and fight when that doesn’t solve a thing, it only makes it worse, not only will a spouse not view you as mature, but it throws your children in a corner. Some of you need to do yourselves a favor and stay married or not to get married, and do not have kids. Kids are innocent, and peoples selfish wants and needs are rotting the kids, maybe its not in action, but trust me emotionaly they are stuck. Divorce is destroying our nation in so many ways, way to much money is being put into the courts for a rediculous divorce that will most likely on average take about 7-9 years. Fighting wont ever stop, how about you ask yourself some serious deep questions before you start saying how you have it bad.” [5]

“It doesn’t make me an expert on the subject, but I’ve been through divorce. It has nothing to recommend it. Whether divorce leads to an experience of first freedom or final alienation, exhilaration or desolation, there’s an underlying taste of failure left in one’s mouth. If not a howling rage, then a hollow residue.  How can something that began so right end up so wrong?  Whatever our status and experience in the aftermath of divorce, the fact of it, of having been-there-done-that, presents one with an abiding sense of loss and regret. It is a scar that reminds us of our spoiled humanity, a realisation that we are, at our core, like corrupted hard discs carrying Eden’s virus of imperfection. No wonder societies of all ages and peoples of all religious character and ethnicity have sought social guards against it.” [6]

Obviously I can go on and on – the lasting impact of divorce is nothing new and has been well documented now for decades.  I only cite the above references to remind you what you already know intuitively, that divorce is a terrible thing and tears families apart, and should be avoided if at all possible.

But despite the not so subtle landmines associated with divorce, it remains a viable option for many—and even an attractive option for some.  After all, divorce promises a “way out”—a change for the better, a new beginning, and a clean slate to boot.  And when you’re in the thick of the same heated battle for the umpteenth time, an escape plan does sound attractive.

But the truth you need to know is that there is no magic in that piece of paper.  It’s easy to buy into what the divorce lawyers may be telling you, but you need to remember one thing…

Their goal is to make money off of you.  Plain and simple…

A divorce lawyer doesn’t exist to help you or make you feel better.  No one enters into that profession with the intention of helping others.  A divorce lawyer is there to get you to sign their agreements and contracts which push their agenda (which in turn takes money out of your bank account).  So do not buy into what a divorce lawyer may be telling you, because they’re going to tell you what you exactly what you want to hear, not what you need to hear.

Make sense?

Before we move on, I want to say one more thing about this topic…  Not only do you need to resolve in your mind that divorce is not an option, but you need to do that today.  Right now. Because the longer you wait on that, the more likely you are to fall prey to your emotions.  The next fight will come and you’ll be looking for the white flag.  Don’t take the easy route, my friend.  Your marriage is worth saving.