The Right Way To Say You’re Sorry…

Okay, so I kind of hyped up this section telling you it’s the most valuable part of the book..  And I really think it is!  Let me tell you why…

If you screw up with all of the other MEAPs and UMBAs…if you keep on doing things that ultimately hurt your marriage, all is not lost…  You can get your spouse to forgive you, you just need to ask…

Please notice the way I worded that last sentence!  I didn’t say that in order to get your spouse to forgive you, you just need to say something..No, I said you need to ask something.  And what exactly are you asking for?  To be forgiven, of course!

Asking for forgiveness is not easy, and it requires real humility and brokenness.  But if you want to save your marriage and turn it around, you’re going to need to “get on your knees”.  That’s just the way it is my friend.  Actually to say that asking for forgiveness is “not easy” is really an understatement.  Our pride (ego!) can seriously get in the way of us doing this.  Even if we know down deep that we’ve screwed up, verbalizing that and being at someone else’s mercy is a humbling position to be in…it just is.  And it’s not always comfortable, I know… But it is necessary.

So how do you practically do this?  Well first of all, you need to do more than simply saying “I’m sorry” to your spouse.  Try this on for size…

Pretend you’ve just lost it with your spouse (let’s call her Sarah) and cursed her out.  You ranted and raved and made a bad scene, all because she wanted you to do something that you didn’t feel like doing.  Not only that, your screams were loud enough to wake up the baby and your 6 year old…  Now she won’t talk to you.

Here’s something you could try…

“Sarah, I know you’re angry at me right now and I understand.  What I did before was completely unacceptable and wrong.  I have nothing to say to defend myself, only to ask for your forgiveness and pledge my commitment to you not to let that happen again.  I’m very sorry and I’m begging for your forgiveness.”

Can you picture yourself saying those words?  Does that sound difficult to say?  If it does, rest assured that you’re correct—it is difficult to say those things.  But then again, if you’ve really screwed up (we all do) and you know you’ve really screwed up (half the battle), you need to do this.  Not asking for forgiveness when we’ve knowingly wronged our spouse only allows negative feelings to fester.

Annoyance turns into anger, anger into disgust, disgust into dislike, and dislike into hatred.  Don’t allow it to get that far (you’re in control!).

Now I know some of you are thinking….”But there’s no way my spouse would respond positively if I asked for forgiveness like that.  It wouldn’t make a difference at all.”  And to you I would say…

Try it.  Seriously.  Try it.  Now like all of the other strategies I’ve outlined, I’m not saying this is going to be a panacea and cure all of your marital woes.  Truth be told, your spouse may allow those negative feelings to fester and not forgive you right away (or in some cases at all).  But more than likely she will choose to forgive you when you humble yourself like this.  Now you may have to ask for her forgiveness more than once (repetition isn’t a bad thing, it lets her know you have real remorse), but chances are she’ll come around.

One other practical tip before we move on…  When you ask for forgiveness, ask to be forgiven for something specific.  Don’t try the “please forgive me for all the wrongs I’ve ever done” approach.  This rings shallow and insincere.  Rather, talk about your offense(s) and mistakes by name.  This shows your spouse that you understand exactly what it is that made her so upset.